Makeup your Mind!

So, a friend of mine wants to be more than a friend. That's not an out of the ordinary story, but here's the catch, he is starting to feel some type of way because I'm not expressing the same interest. The result is, he's making me feel like I'm catching feelings when in actuality I'm pretty neutral about the whole situation. One thing that I've learned about men is that they say exactly what they feel. Another thing that I've learned is they have a lot of pride which causes them to say what they think they mean. He keeps telling me he doesn't want a relationship, but I don't remember the last time that I said that I did. Would I be wrong to call him out on his make-believe fantasy world? It's starting to irritate me. I really don't like when people push their problems off on you. It's very childish and shows that they don't know how to handle themselves as an adult. I'm not in the business of waiting for a grown man to figure out what he wants. Actions speak way louder than words, so don't call me 3 times a day saying "boyfriend like things" and in the same breathe tell me it means nothing. I am naive in the sense that I believe actions speak louder than words, so if 'someone' doesn't get himself together the friendship might go down the drain with his fantasy.

Take Control

So, recently I realized that I'm not yet healed. Initially, I thought one was healed when they no longer care for nor think of their ex, but it's more than that. Emotionally, I'm still scarred. I have an "I'll get you first" attitude when it comes to the opposite sex. I don't want to be taken advantage of so instead of being the person I used to be, I anticipate disrespect. I was called out on it and it hurt me badly. I don't want to be like this, but trauma doesn't show side effects until the situation has passed. I have decided that although I got myself into this emotional bind, I know that God can help me get out of it. I ran away from God so I could hold onto my relationship, and He allowed me to come back when it didn't work out. Now, that's unconditional love. I've decided that I need some time for me. Before I can get into anything serious, I need to know who I am first. I can't bring anything to the table if I'm not whole. I want the person I'm with to have the whole and emotionally healthy me and not the insecure person that my past relationship has brought out of me. I'm ready to take control of me.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket

So, I don't know how other people view this situation, but I've learned the hard way not to put all your eggs in one basket. Sometimes, you think that what you have is enough for you or you think that your eggs won't crack, but that's all left up to chance. I've decided to make my own luck. When you rely too heavily on one mode of happiness before it's time, you might as well keep opening that oven door while the cake is baking. Remember, peeking at the cake too soon will cause it to fall and all that'll be left is an uneven and disfigured cake that icing can't hide. I guess what I'm trying to say is to wait patiently for the outcome, but have a 'plan b' just in case the outcome isn't what you envisioned.

Holier than thou

I want to first start by saying I love my little sister to death, but I hate the fact that she judges so much. I have five years on her and sometimes she feels as though I owe her explanations for my actions. It's one thing to offer advice when asked, but it's another thing to force your opinions on others when it is neither needed or necessary. One thing that bothers me about her is the fact that her friends are far from perfect. None of the "friends" are of legal age, yet you can see them drunken with fun on any given weekend. Am I going to judge her for the company she keeps? I couldn't possibly because I have my own faults and keeping tabs on myself is the only thing I'm really concerned about.

I try to address this issue all the time, but she gets so defensive. If you can't take it then don't dish it, right??? All I'm saying is worry about yourself first and you won't have time to kick others when they're down.

Next Step

I'm so tired right now. I can't even begin to remember what rest was once like. It's time to start moving forward in the career world. I'm nervous and excited because I'll finally be doing something that I want to do for a living. How often can someone say, "I love my job?" My first step is to relocate after school. I need to step out of this Pittsburgh comfort zone and step into my own. I rely on family too much, but I fell I'll learn so much more about myself once I'm on my own.

Moving on

I have made ammends with a long time friend that I still have very strong feelings for. I wonder if it's too soon to let my guard down considering the painful relationship I just got out of. There are many things that stand in our way. He lives about 3.5 hours away and he was the first person to break my heart. The only reason I accepted his offer to keep in touch was because he never tried to hide the fact that he messed up. Also, we were 19 at the time and very naive. It's been about five and a half years later, and I think it may be worth a second try. I don't want to rush anything, but I don't want to miss out on something that could be good for me.

I can't believe it

So, i'm new to the blogging community but I love to write. Writing is therapy, and with that being said I'm ready for my first session. I broke up with my ex at the end of April. It was probalby the most emotionally painful time I've ever experienced. I experienced emotional abuse and became that girl that I would stick my nose up at. I'm going to tell that story later, but there's a more pressing matter on my mind.
I received a text message while at work that read, "I need help." Considering that my ex isn't too high on my priority list these days, I couldn't understand why he was telling me he needed anything from me. Well, it turns out that he was being evicted from his apartment that evening and needed either money or a place to stay. Call me crazy but last I checked, a landlord must give the tenant 30 days written notice that they are to leave the premises. Well, I couldn't be of assistance. Mostly because I refused to. I couldn't believe that he was attempting to use me again. I don't understand why he didn't just contact all those girls he messed around on me with while we were still dating. It's interesting how people have so much luck cheating while in a relationship and once out, the people they cheated with no longer want them. I am so happy that we are no longer together because the stress he once put me through was unreal and made me fall into deep depressions at times.
More to come......